Count your blessings

I guess everyone already knows that I dream frequently and with great intensity about leaving my cubicle. Every once in a while though I count my blessings. This morning I read an email from my brother and started to count my blessings:

1. It's sunny
2. It's warm
3. I'm going to Montreal on the weekend
4. I won't be stuck in a car with my parents going to Montreal on the weekend

Here is what my brother wrote me about his trip:

So we made it to Vegas.....and in typical Jamal style. Thanks to dad's driving my life flashed before my eyes no less than 5 times. Once we made it to the airport we missed our flight to Sacramento, so we had to wait in standby for the next flight over. After two mind numbing days at our cousin's house, we've made it to Vegas and are staying at the cheesiest, tackiest hotel I've ever seen (look up the frontier and you'll know what i mean)...Although it's not too bad I've been in worse. It's so trashy. The moment I walk in I see some 50 year old woman bitching about some employee cutting her off from her gambling. She was waisted. The place is crawling with grannies addicted to their slot machines. Wish you guys were here.

It's like riding a bike... only more painful

I really did myself in this time. It all goes back to Saturday afternoon when I went to pick up a Salvadoran, Colombian and Mexican sausage for the dinner barbecue I had invited myself to that evening. I was walking out the doors of Segovia in the market when the owner called out after me "Behave yourself." I replied with "I will" and he then smiled and responded with "but not too much". At this point in the day, and weekend, I was convinced that I was a) going to have a nice dinner, b)was going to enjoy a good clear Sunday and c)needed to carry my sunglasses on me from this day forward to keep me from squinting into the blue sky.

The meat was awesome. I didn't drink for, oh, the first two hours of the evening. It all took a turn at the dinner table with a bottle of wine...well, maybe it was shotgunning the beer with Ryan before dessert when it all went to shits...or the shot of Aquavit after dessert...or the other bottle of wine before I decided to take up smoking.... Regardless, by the time we got to the Newfie Corner I was in the bag. There were two tables at the bar: ours and a set of older people. Coming out of the washroom I walked over to the older people and then had to SEARCH for my table. Oh yeah. KLASSEEE. Needless to say, I cabbed it home and awoke bright and early the next day wishing I hadn't made plans to go rock climbing.

Granted I've nursed hangovers before but for some reason, this one was particularly bad. I remembered faintly from my backpacking days someone telling me to take Vitamin B to get rid of hangovers. I remember trusting this person because he was clearly a drunk and would have to have figured this out after years of experimentation with various "vitamins". Sadly, due to the sledgehammer effect in my brain I couldn't remember what I was looking for when I got out of bed and started to rummage through my bag. On the upside, I did find my house keys which I thought I had left in the door on the way in the night before.

Just as I was about to pop an Advil a glimpse of a conversation with another friend about the dangers of taking Advil to cure hangovers flickered by. Apparently it's hard on your liver. I turned to cashew nuts while contemplating other cures. The nuts were not doing it.

Eggs. Someone said eggs because they are greasy. The smell of eggs makes me want to vomit when I am hung over, so that one was vetoed almost immediately. Then I spoke to my sister. Toast, she said, would help soak up the alcohol. There was no toast in the house. Plus, I figured by now my blood had 'soaked' up the alcohol and carried it to my brain which was being pounded like a piece of schnitzel.


Bananas are high in potassium (which helps regulate water in the body) and the natural mood enhancer Tryptophan. Bananas also build up depleted blood sugar levels AND I had a banana! I ate the banana. Then I felt sicker because it was too sweet. More salty nuts fixed that problem.

Here's a hangover cure that I had not yet tried: apples. They're high in fibre and all those good vitamins that help you deal with alcohol digestion...? By the time I had the apple it was time to go climbing.

Let's just say that I forgot to straighten myself out a few times when I was lowered off the wall and hence, was lowered to the ground onto my back. Also, I felt I had something to proof. No clue what. Much to my delight I managed not to puke on anyone from above. However, I did manage to give my partner a good solid case of rope-burn. Then it hit me like a truck whilst walking up the street: an incredibly huge poster of Il Divo...

...immediately followed by a Burger King restaurant. This is a tried-tested-and-true hangover cure: whoppers. Two Jr Whoppers, large onion rings and large fries did the job.

Today it is Monday and the head's still pounding a little...at certain intervals it pounds a lot. I think it's trying to tell me something in Morse Code. I'm never drinking again. I may have Burger King for dinner tonight again to clear up this hangover once and for all!


Nursing a hangover. Ahh. Who woulda thunk that I would blog about it one day?

....Oh man, it just started to pour and I didn't bring an umbrella...or a jacket for that matter.

Let's Talk Fitness

Most of us live in our cubicles. I know, I know, this blog is called Life Outside the Cubicle but let's face it; when we're not sporting flip flops and a backpack looking for a cheap hostel room in Beijing or Manila or Istanbul, we are sitting in a chair at a desk within the confines of our cube. Now, it is difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life when this is the case. It is also difficult to maintain a six to eight pack when sitting is our life. So, I would like to present some easy to follow ab exercises that can become part of your daily work routine. You need nothing more than a floor, a chair, some toight pants, and perhaps a cubicle partner. My cubicle partner is called Anna and I know she would love nothing more than to hold a towel over my head (read on to understand this one).

Ready? Let's get started!

Sprawl out on the floor face down and do some easy back and ab warm ups. ....Hold up. Perhaps we should discuss wardrobe before we get on the floor.
For all you fellas out there I suggest some tight cycling shorts, no shirt and a cap to keep those locks from getting snagged. Now, be careful when selecting your bottoms. You don't want this to happen...

The male camel toe is not a good look. It will give you the wrong kind of attention from all your lady friends. Tuck in your shirt if you must but please be aware of any wrinkles as they may interrupt the linear contours forming the flow of your package.

If you work the sort of office job that requires you to wear a suit worry no more. As long as your suit is comfortably baggy and the pants are pleated you too will be able to acquire the ever elusive six to eight pack.

Now that we have that out of the way let's start with some easy to follow chair exercises.
Phew, I don't know about you but I am all warmed up and ready to go!

Lower abdomens first.

Okay. A few more leg raises. Don't worry, practically no one will notice you doing these exercises at your desk. Most cubicle walls are at least 4 foot 8 inches (give or take) and will comfortably hide your lower ab work.
Let's not forget the obliques. Your obliques aid in the twisting of your trunk and strengthening them will help you in any activities where you rotate your trunk. Some such office related activities include leaning down sideways in your chair to pick up food products you may have dropped because you were staving off boredom by stuffing your face at 10am.
Back to the rectus abdominis, a muscle responsible for tilting the pelvis. Now, at this point people may notice the top of your shoes sticking out from within your cubicle walls. Lower your chair as low as it will go to continue exercising inconspicuously.
Those obliques won't strengthen themselves people. Here is another variation of the exercise that engages your transverse abdominis as well as your internal obliques.
You can add the scissor leg variation to the above exercise to keep it fresh.

And now for the chair finish (remember to lower your seat) raise your arms and stretch out your legs like so...

and bring them together like so...

As you can see, a six to eight pack is within easy reach of your chair.

Now go get'em tiger!

Floor Exercises
We touched upon floor exercises briefly above. Here is a simple crunch for all you ladies out there. Once again ain't nothing to it. Simply put down a flattened cardboard box, take off your shoes (for comfort), loosen any tight or restrictive clothing and start crunching! Fellas if you would like to avoid the awkward package-hanging-crunch just form frog legs by placing the bottom of your feet together with your knees facing outward.


If you have a cubicle partner, as many of us do, mine once again is named Anna, you can enlist his/her help. All you need is a chair and a towel. Simply get on your knees (don't get excited now), place a towel on your head and have your cubicle partner stand behind you on a chair holding one end of the towel up like so...

Now pull forward! Forward! Forward!

Note that this exercise might involve some worker's compensation if your partner is standing on a chair with wheels. Also, people may wonder why your partner is standing on a chair as she will clear the 4 foot 8 inch walls of the cubicle with her upper body. I suggest that you do this exercise near some shelving to hide from prying eyes.

With a healthy diet and these easy to follow ab exercises a 6 to 8 pack should be yours within a few weeks. Don''t use your cubicle as an excuse for floppy abdominal muscles.

Turn that one pack, beer filled gut into a six pack, beer filled gut!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

He didn't say how much cash...

Torry wrote:
"Run across the street naked for your blog? Pah-lease... I get naked for cash on the table."

I write:
"I'll wire you $10. Now, get naked, take a picture and send it to me for the blog!"

I need all of you to help me get this guy naked on the street by posting a comment. Not all at once.

My dream, my dream, my lovely Eddie dream

"New York has Macy's, London has Harrods, Chicago has Marshall Fields, and Toronto has Honest Ed's. It is quite an attraction - honest," proclaims The Great Toronto Getaway, Buffalo, USA.

It is one of my biggest dreams to one day walk into Honest Ed's on Bloor at Bathurst and buy a $20,000 Buddhist shrine in the basement along with $5 olive oil, a $15 bust of Elvis, two packs of Big Reds gum and some 99 cent dish towels. I would then like to call a mini-van cab to help me lug the shrine back to my palatial home where all my visitors will be reminded to just breath at its sight every time they enter the foyer.

Honest Ed's is right in the Annex and it's a Toronto institution. Ed Mirvish comes up from New York every year to celebrate his birthday in a huge block party on Manning Street. Free hot docs. Scary clowns. Cheap deals and that Honest Ed discount centre smell prevail throughout the neighbourhood. All the seniors show up to see this 90 year old man being wheeled onto stage.

Not only does he own the bargain centre but he also produces top quality theatre! Multi-millionaire cheapo Ed feels shopping should be an entertaining experience. Hence, the walls of the fluorescent lit 160,000 square foot building are crammed chalk full of fading autographed portraits and Broadway posters. It should be noted here that I have yet to discover an autographed portrait of my man, the Hoff, on these walls.

Whenever I have a bad day at the office I overcome it by walking through the doors of Honest Ed's. The effect is magical, I am instantly transported to a world of cheap deals and Buddhist shrines. A place of environmentally conscientious fluorescent lighting, gaudy chandeliers and heartfelt cheesy slogans from the 1950s. No matter how bad the day, I know one thing for sure: one day my dream will come true. I will own a palatial home and a Buddhist shrine from Honest Ed's.