Holy Holi

The PG version of Holi is what I expected. You know, all the members of the family get together and then happily and prettily throw colour on each other. Everyone looks beautiful all the time and smiles. Sometimes people even burst into well coordinated group dance and song sequences. They know all the moves and the words to the song. Everyone knows who the main players are and you dance around them. Everyone looks pretty and colourful and acts like their drunk and high from the bhang lassies. Then everyone goes inside and has some more drinks and a wonderfully delicious home cooked meal made by the cook. Mummy-ji even makes some favourite holiday dishes along with the regular curry fare. That's what Holi is. I know this because I've seen it in numerous Bollywood movies.

I didn't get this version. I got the version with the three guys covered in purple dye and raw eggs coming over to my sister's house. They didn't wait until I was done brushing my teeth or changed out of my pajamas to start the festivities. My eyes got pink dye in them, my teeth had the gritty dye on them, my clothes were ruined and my face was a deep fuschia. Once the initial ambush was over we were told to change and come downstairs where we hopped into a waiting car with the Three Stooges and drove off visiting various friends in town. In the backseat beer was flowing like Crystal at a P Diddy party. We never seemed to run out of the stuff.

"Hey, look everyone else looks so pretty with their colour on them." I pointed out the window. Everyone in Delhi was covered in colour, even the cows.
"They don't know how to play Holi properly" Abishenk responded. Abishenk was about to reveal himself as the craziest man I had yet to meet. He insisted on going to a farm house party. Apparently his 'cousin' had invited us to one. Holi is famous for farm house parties. Everyone who is cool goes to one of those. Abishenk was under the impression he was cool. It's either that or the Times of India party where the celebrities go to celebrate the version of Holi I described above minus the home cooked meal...and possibly the song and dance sequences. Although I would like to go on believing that Indian celebrities spontaneously burst into dance in their everyday life. Abishenk couldn't get us 'tickets' in time for the Bollywood version of Holi which is why I'm telling the story of the Three Stooges version.

"Farm House" actually means estate with driveway leading to a mansion with a muddy backyard and a pool where people in various states of drunkeness throw each other into the wine coloured water. Of course the water was clean earlier in the day before the crazies with the dye all over their bodies took it up a notch and decided a wet t-shirt contest or, in this case, the Indian version: a wet salwaar kameez contest was in order. Being in a pool of water that colour is no fun. Especially when you swallow a hole bunch the first day you feel better from your Delhi Belly. Interestingly enough the hallways in said "Farm House" were all tiled and muddy with the handprints in the hallways leading to the two most important rooms in any house: the bathroom or kitchen. The Three Stooges insisted that I take a dip in the pool. All I could do to prevent them from dunking me in the water was threaten to take them down with me by jumping on their back and holding on for dear life. Once I was done hanging out with a poolful of guys it was time to eat. The kitchen seemed like an obvious place to go to snack on lamb biryani and sandwiches while dripping a deep red dye all over the tiles. Once that was over with, it was another quick dip in the pool with drunk strangers and probably various forms of bacteria that could do any number of horrible things to my skin. Many of the drunk strangers were men which meant that their pants came with pockets they actually used for things like wallets, cigarettes and cellphones. It was great to see their cheers turn to horror when said objects would float out of their pockets to the surface of the water. The pool was cleared of cellphones, cigarettes, wallets and drunken bodies by late afternoon. Holi ends around 5pm. Everyone gets civilised and cleans up for work the next day. In the Three Stooges version the girls get dropped off at home while the soaking wet drunk men go on drinking and partying at their friends house who was earlier in the day evicted from his apartment for the Stooges drunken behaviour on his rooftop.

An hour and a half of bucket showers later and I have shea butter on my face to help me remove the remainder of the pink dye before I go to bed tonight. Holi was fun. I will never do this again. Ever.