Sawadee de Laos

After a full day on the bus I finally reached Chiang Khong in northern Thailand. There were four other ladies on the bus along with a German couple. None of us spoke to each other on the ride but we all ended up around the dinner table later that night at the same hotel. Within 20 minutes of finishing dinner the three Spanish ladies, Edith, a stunning six foot Dutch woman, and I were sweaty and naked in a herbal sauna. What a way to end my Thailand experience.

Crossing the Mekong took three minutes the following morning and on the other side, in all their glory, the Lao immigration boys were waiting for us on plastic stools protected from the sun by a tarp. Well, they seemed to be waiting for Edith to be more precise. She walked off the boat and one of them instantly grabbed her hand and asked if she wanted a Lao boyfriend. Smooth operators is what I call these guys because one of them pinched my arm hair and told me I was hairy like King Kong. I ran my hands up and down his arms and told him he was smooth like a woman. Then his friend, jackass number 3, turned to me and said "you look Lao." I mustered a "you think so?" in response. "Yes, you want Lao boyfriend?" It is illegal for a Lao citizen to be boinking a foreigner. You have to apply for special permits if you want to get married and the government has the right to deny you these. Jackass number 3 was obviously not familiar with his own government's laws.


The longtail boat ride was beautiful. Laos, like Burma, seems untouched and most of its jungles are still intact. Edith and I sat together and were equally annoyed at the 'loud' people in the back of the boat. Little did we know that one of the really loud guys (the tallest Korean in the world) and a few other people distributed all over the boat would form our posse. Andrew, an American highschool teacher, and his buddy of the moment, a dread-locked German named Sven, were the first people we met. We had a nice dinner and Sven kept telling me I talked too much which many days later I found out was meant to be a compliment rather than a diss. Ana and Ze, two Portuguese chicks, joined us and then set about staring and grinning at me because I reminded them of Elaine from Seinfeld!

That night, in a small town named Pakbeng somewhere between Chiang Khong and Luang Prabang, a rat successfully dragged a bag of food across the floor in the room next door and then spent the entire night trying to pull it out through a little hole in the wall. I thought the thing was in my room and didn't dare move until the sun came up. It wasn't. It was in Mr. Dreadlock and Andrew's room.

Day number two we met Peter, Chris, Ayna, Owen, Jeremy, Ki and a Scottish couple. We bonded and then went our separate ways when we arrived in Luang Prabang, one of the most stunning little cities I've ever encountered. The place has an incredible amount of charm and a lot of establishments called Phousie. One of the first signs I saw offered a Phousie massage (the ph is pronounced as a p). The night market is one of the quietest, best stocked markets I've seen. I wanted to buy everything.

Edith and I checked into our guesthouse which was reminiscent of a forty year old boarding school caught in a time warp. We had a romantic dinner that night and then it was out for drinks which is were the night took a turn. Everyone showed up at Hive. It's one of only two bars mentioned in the LP guidebook and by 10pm the place was hopping. All the boat people came out and the rounds of Lao Lao whisky flowed freely until about 11:30pm. Bars close early and the tuk-tuk drivers are ready to get the drunk falang that stumble out even drunker. Twelve of us piled into a tuk-tuk and headed for the after hours joint, Vietnam bar, set in what looked like a garage. It was packed with drunk tourists. Our group brought the ladyboy, a lovely, uhm, lady on vacation from Vientiane.

I must admit that after shot number 300043232 I couldn't remember her name or how I had gotten to this place. Luckily, Peter had the brains to make an arrangment with one of the driver's before he got drunk and he waited for us until we were ready to head back home. December 2 is Lao National Day. Forever to be rememebered as the day I didn't see day light because I spent my time trying to sleep off a hangover.


December 3 we all loaded into a tuk tuk and headed out of town to the tiered Kuang Si waterfall. Hiking up the waterfall was depressing. I am out of shape and it is embarrassing. Once on top, the view and jungle were rewarding if not a bit dangerous to navigate on account of all the water streaming toward the edge.




The Hmong village on the way back was a little more depressing. There were at least sixty little kids and far too few adults in town. A five year old girl asked me in a flirtatious manner if I had lipstick for her. She batted her eyelashes and kept repeating "what's your name, you?"